Being myself.

Why is it that I become a different person when I am talking to an attractive person? It doesn't make much sense, I feel. Like there's some sort of intimidation that I can't overcome, so I feel like I have to put on a mask or something. I can't just "be myself" or "act normal". It bothers me. When I speak to an attractive guy, or even a girl for that matter, I censor myself, somewhat. But I let my guard down more when I'm interacting with a less attractive person. Why is that? What makes me feel more comfortable around homelier people than good-looking people? Is this just a phase? I hope so, because I don't like not being myself. I don't like feeling like I can't say or do what I want in front of someone. But maybe it's just the energy they give off that intimidates me. Maybe if I were blind I wouldn't have this problem. :-/

Here I go again...my, my.

Well, it's time for another personal blog post. I can't always just take stuff that I find funny and post it here- it just doesn't do for me what I need a personal post to do right now. And that's to vent.

I'm mostly irked right now about the contradictory person my Dad tends to be. He calls himself a Catholic, attends mass early every Sunday (sometimes on Saturday, he'll go to confession, even). But when he's home, he acts nothing at all like any Catholic "should". He has a hot temper, which worsens when he drinks, and which he cannot control. His attitude toward my 14-year old brother is more like "I'll deal with you until you're graduated from High School, after that, see ya" instead of "I should cherish every minute I have with you now, because you're my family and therefore important to me". I hear more about how he wants to move to a secluded house in the boonies of Wyoming on a farm somewhere more than how he aspires to do things with us that he's never done before, like see the world (even though money is tight right now) or take even small road trips or hell, just go to the park and throw the frisbee like we used to. None of that exists anymore. And it's dreadful that my brother has to hear his depression and deal with his misery. I don't want Dad's negativity ruining Michael's life, but I worry (I know) that it is affecting him negatively. To the point of tears. And what kind of inspiration can you get from a parent who doesn't even see the beauty or joy in his own life?

I AM grateful to have a loving, caring mother who he can run to in times like this, and who can show him how a parent is supposed to act. I am indebted to her, from all the years that I've troubled her and been difficult, I owe her so much more than I've given her. And I am working on making that change, by showing her how much she is appreciated and loved. Although I'm living with Dad right now, I'm doing all that I can with the time that I have to keep my own head on straight while still spending equal time with both parents. Although at this moment, I'm not so sure I can handle 50/50 when Dad loses it.

I had a good talk with Michael on the way home from his friend's house today. He knows I love him and that I'll always be there for him. He's said to me that if it weren't for me and Brian, our older brother, that he would lose his sanity. And I don't doubt him in the slightest. I'm just happy I can be his older sister and be there for him during times like these. I'm going to make it a point this summer to spend a lot more time with him, especially before I leave for France. That will be my goal.