Oh, long-lost journal, I apologize for my time spent away from you.

...It's just that I've had so much going on recently.

Specifically, getting my future plans organized.

While sitting in a modernized presentation of Molière's L'Avare today, I had one of those revelations that, in the back of my mind, doesn't seem to be too far-fetched, but could be quite a lot of work to get together all the same.

What if, supposing there weren't one already, one were to organize a group/troupe of American artists (actors, dancers & singers) that would travel throughout France, (and eventually other countries once the company expands) performing shows in English for a small/reasonable cost to the public as a way of opening up the French culture (and others) to American theatre, all while providing an English lesson as the text (can, but doesn't always have to be) is translated into French and played for the viewers to learn as they watch the show?

If this is already the case, I rest largely uninformed about it. If such a troupe does exist, why haven't I heard of it? I've already done the necessary Google search...I know there are several American theatre companies in Paris/Avignon/probably Bordeaux too...but do they travel? Do they perform for schools? Do they do musicals as well as straight plays? Contemporary and classical?

If not, what a wonder it would be to develop this idea into something real...
The question is, is it feasible?

joie de vivre

Work has been getting better.
Or, rather, I have.
I've been able to calm down and focus a lot more now. I don't know what it was, but something in me (the perfectionist? the neurotic?) was always striving to get everything exactly perfect, so much so that when I messed up even a little bit in one area I'd get down on myself.
It might be remnants from when I had a low self-esteem, but I'm able to manage that now more than ever.

I'm reading a book that Chris recommended to me: "Finding Flow" by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Yes, quite a mouthful. It's about finding that thing (or those things) in life that make your time spent the most productive, fulfilling, and meaningful. That's my interpretation of what "flow" is, from what I've read. I'm still only about 1/4 of the way through it, so I've got a bit more to go- but It's a great read so far. Encourages those without balance in life to try and find flow, by creating opportunities for yourself and seeking them out.

I've just finished two books by Stephen Clarke, "A Year in the Merde" and "Merde Happens". The author is a Brit journalist who writes about a man named Paul West who lives and works in France, and his books are rather accurate and humorous interpretations of life in France. I could relate, and Clarke's humor is just the thing I need to wind down from a day at work.

I have been spending a lot of time at the library. Mostly looking for books on Southwest France, to ready myself for the Fall. I've found quite a bit so far, and I'm taking notes, so I can take advantage of everything when I arrive. I've already made a semi-permanent itinerary for Paris. I can't wait to go back, not only to see the beautiful country again (quite literally, i'll be in a town of 4,500 people, so i'll be in the country) but to meet new people. I'm ready to start the new chapter of my life. The summer is crawling by, but I'm ready to get going.

Being myself.

Why is it that I become a different person when I am talking to an attractive person? It doesn't make much sense, I feel. Like there's some sort of intimidation that I can't overcome, so I feel like I have to put on a mask or something. I can't just "be myself" or "act normal". It bothers me. When I speak to an attractive guy, or even a girl for that matter, I censor myself, somewhat. But I let my guard down more when I'm interacting with a less attractive person. Why is that? What makes me feel more comfortable around homelier people than good-looking people? Is this just a phase? I hope so, because I don't like not being myself. I don't like feeling like I can't say or do what I want in front of someone. But maybe it's just the energy they give off that intimidates me. Maybe if I were blind I wouldn't have this problem. :-/

Here I go again...my, my.

Well, it's time for another personal blog post. I can't always just take stuff that I find funny and post it here- it just doesn't do for me what I need a personal post to do right now. And that's to vent.

I'm mostly irked right now about the contradictory person my Dad tends to be. He calls himself a Catholic, attends mass early every Sunday (sometimes on Saturday, he'll go to confession, even). But when he's home, he acts nothing at all like any Catholic "should". He has a hot temper, which worsens when he drinks, and which he cannot control. His attitude toward my 14-year old brother is more like "I'll deal with you until you're graduated from High School, after that, see ya" instead of "I should cherish every minute I have with you now, because you're my family and therefore important to me". I hear more about how he wants to move to a secluded house in the boonies of Wyoming on a farm somewhere more than how he aspires to do things with us that he's never done before, like see the world (even though money is tight right now) or take even small road trips or hell, just go to the park and throw the frisbee like we used to. None of that exists anymore. And it's dreadful that my brother has to hear his depression and deal with his misery. I don't want Dad's negativity ruining Michael's life, but I worry (I know) that it is affecting him negatively. To the point of tears. And what kind of inspiration can you get from a parent who doesn't even see the beauty or joy in his own life?

I AM grateful to have a loving, caring mother who he can run to in times like this, and who can show him how a parent is supposed to act. I am indebted to her, from all the years that I've troubled her and been difficult, I owe her so much more than I've given her. And I am working on making that change, by showing her how much she is appreciated and loved. Although I'm living with Dad right now, I'm doing all that I can with the time that I have to keep my own head on straight while still spending equal time with both parents. Although at this moment, I'm not so sure I can handle 50/50 when Dad loses it.

I had a good talk with Michael on the way home from his friend's house today. He knows I love him and that I'll always be there for him. He's said to me that if it weren't for me and Brian, our older brother, that he would lose his sanity. And I don't doubt him in the slightest. I'm just happy I can be his older sister and be there for him during times like these. I'm going to make it a point this summer to spend a lot more time with him, especially before I leave for France. That will be my goal.

Auditions, Headshots and Resumes!

So I've begun to write a list for things that I need to accomplish before the summer is over. Among the obvious (Get a job, save enough so I can buy my plane ticket, etc . . .) There are several things I have to do (some of which also require money). . . and a car.
I feel like the car thing would be the most practical, but I don't know if there would be any sense in taking out a loan to get one if I'm going to be gone teaching in France for a year. What good would that do me?
First off, I need professional headshots. I need an affordable price, so I'll probably contact my long-lost friend Emily (a photographer entrepreneur) and see what her rates are. Probably that'd be the best way to go, on my student budget...
Secondly I need to be going to auditions. But I cannot show up at an audition without a means of getting to it. So, I have two options: A) Take the loan out, get the car. You'll need one after France anyhow. B) Move to a city like Ann Arbor, where there is more opportunity than a city like Walled Lake.
Thirdly I need better material to work with. I haven't chosen the best monologues in the past, and that has cost me a lot of opportunity. So, I'm going to read read read, and find whatever pulls at my heartstrings and will convey my talent.
I shall add to the list as the summer goes. This blog will be my idea scratch pad.
Anyone who may be reading this....I'd love recommendations for plays, especially with good powerful (or funny) female monologues.

we've got to move on, dear....escape from this afterlife

Art School Confidential= okay Indie movie. I've never really been a fan of John Malkovich, and seeing him in this movie didn't help.
It highlighted the life of an artist fresh into college (Strathmore in NYC...don't know if it really exists or not) who falls in love with one of his models, and not having won her over decides to attempt suicide at the end of the movie, before he is taken to jail due to being suspected of murders happening in the area. Parts of it made me giggle, and I really like Anjelica Huston (She's the best in Ever After). But it was a bit of a disappointment overall and maybe not the best movie to watch with your mom (there are several full-frontal nudity scenes and a murder scene with a woman being strangled to death, among lots of profanity and sexual references). I don't know, I feel a bit like i've seen it before.

While we're on the topic of movies, can I just say that Edward Cullen sounds 100 times sexier with his American accent? I know the English accent can be sexy and all, but I see him in interviews and I'm just sitting there, nonplussed. I should ask some of my other more "hardcore" Twlilight fans if they feel the same way. Although I'm pretty sure they'd take him with any accent, any hairdo, whatever- Robert Pattinson is a fox. (Go Google GQ's cover of him, you'll be happy you did.)

Found this on Craigslist "Best of" section.

Listed as: Dear Best Buy #305

Date: 2009-02-02, 10:34PM CST

This Letter of Apology is not only for the staff at the Best Buy #305 in Schaumburg, Illinois, but also to the gentleman in the middle stall in the men’s restroom at about 5:17 CST on Saturday, January 31st. You had been in there for awhile, so this Letter of Apology is as much for you. Please let me expand…

I recently finished reading The Chris Farley Show (I strongly recommend this book for everyone) and have been wanting to buy SNL’s Best of Chris Farley. After my fiancee’s grandmother’s 90th birthday party in the northwest suburbs (very lovely gathering, by the way) Saturday late afternoon/early evening, I decide to stop by and buy it. Right away, I find the last one on the shelf as my fiancée is looking for other “bargains,” and I pass it to her when I realize my stomach is rumbling. I decide to take a trip to the men’s room in search of a better life for myself. That’s when complications began to arise.

As I walk towards the men’s room, a mother is telling her son “it’s okay, use the bathroom, I’ll be right here” or something like that. I remember being that age (about 7-9) and public bathrooms were not your friend. I walk in just behind the little boy and see him glance at the urinal for a brief second – and then he walks to the rear stall. DAMMIT!! The middle stall is taken, and I think pooping in a urinal on a Saturday afternoon is a felony in most states. I sigh, leave, and take a couple of more (fast) laps around all of the movies and Wii games.

I return to the restroom about four minutes and ten seconds later, and the rear stall is now open. PAYDIRT!!! The middle stall is still occupied by the same dude as before (I can tell by seeing the same shoes and pants on the floor underneath the door). I actually think to myself, “that sucks, poor guy.” After wiping the toilet seat, I sit down and take a refreshing and cleansing poo. Things are looking up in life again.

I go to flush the toilet and sneer at how ugly it looks in there. It’s bad. Really bad. It is actually too gross for me to follow-through on taking a picture of it and texting it to my friend Steve.

Anyway, here is where things went awry. Very. I flush the toilet. Bubble. Bubbling. Rumbling. Uh-oh. The water rises a little. Please go down. Please. The water rises a little more. Nervousness settles in. Quickly. Shit. Dammit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Stop the water. Industrial toilet. It’s not an option. WTF. Shit. Please go down. Water still rising. Not going down. Really bad. 1” to go. Fuck Fuck Fuck. Please just stop. 1/2” left. Time to think of an exit strategy. Water overflows. Well, I guess you can call it water, but it doesn’t really look like water anymore. And, I just remember about the poor guy in the middle stall. Stay calm. And get out of there. Now.

“Watch your feet, dude, I’ll get somebody quick.” I said it as calm as I possibly could.

I almost immediately find a Best Buy employee: “I just wanted you to know that a toilet is overflowing in the men’s restroom, and you’re going to want to get somebody in there quick.”

I find my fiancée almost immediately. I walk very (very) fast towards her. “Can you get the movies? I’ll get the car.” She knows something is wrong. Very wrong. I guess I won’t argue with her buying Forgetting Sarah Marshall, then. I go to the car and circle around the parking lot for about eight minutes. I am hoping that the guy from the middle stall isn’t scouring the parking lot yet for the guy with brown hair in the black pullover and dark green vest. My fiancée walks out, she jumps in, and I speed away as fast as a 5 MPH speed limit in a parking lot permits.

So, please accept my apology, the guy in the middle stall, and also the fine employees at the Best Buy #305. I sincerely apologize for any heartache, headaches, and pain I may have caused you. And for ruining your weekend. Every time I watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall with my lovely soon-to-be wife, a special cloud of guilt will hang over my head for you.

Sincerely,

Anonymous.

Rain, rain, go away.

I've thus far finished 5/7 finals, and am feeling quite whelmed.
I still have my public affairs final today and I need to finish my paper for African American Theatre for tomorrow.
The paper isn't going to be difficult to finish- I've already got 3/4 pages. I really just need to work on the bibliography and write one more page comining all the research.
I may come back to campus later today to try and sell my books back, but I may just wait until tomorrow instead- I've been on campus since 8 a.m. this morning for my dumb Intro to Philosophy final (which I Aced, thank you very much). Needless to say I'm a little tired and probably in need of a shower.
Since I said no to the LA internship, I've been stressing out a little to figure out what I'm going to do for work this summer. I think I would take a job here in Kalamazoo, even if it required paying rent for a few months, if I could get in a show. That's how much I want to get back into acting.
I'm still enthusiastic about going to France- but I'm also distracted by the practicalities of living there. I know I should just be excited and relax and everything will fall into place- but I'm just so used to planning everything that I feel like I'm lagging behind on my paperwork even though I can't get my visa until I get my arrêté. That will tell me how long my contract will be, what grade level I'll be teaching in, and what city I'll be staying in so I can buy my plane ticket and find housing.
I wish I had a camcorder that I could take for the year. Maybe I could ask to borrow my mom's. I know she has a few, but I don't know if she'd be willing to surrender one of them to me. Lord knows I don't have the money to buy one myself. At least I have a digital camera...
I did a quick Google search of theatres in Bordeaux, and to my surprise found one that teaches French students English via theatre classes! What a cool idea! I e-mailed the Brit that runs the gig and told him I'd be coming to Bordeaux for the year, so maybe (if i'm close enough) I could check the place out. Since i'll only be working 12 hours a week (or so they say), I'm going to get involved in some shows while I'm there.
I am ready to graduate.

Thought flow..

I feel like this wold be a perfect time to write, as I am in between classes and I'm finding it hard to focus.

I think I'm still a bit distracted after hearing the news of going to France again this Fall.

I'm relieved, excited, and now more rushed than ever- I am juggling getting caught up with my homework and studying/preparing for finals, as well as making plans for this summer and the Fall.

Now that I know I'll be needing to have some money in the bank before I leave, I'm going to be looking at full-time summer positions that will let me work up through august or september.

I'm throwing around the idea of moving back home for the summer (as much as that goes against my original plan) because I wouldn't have to pay any rent while living there, and whatever I earn can go straight to my France fund.

I don't think I'll be able to do the internship if i'm only getting an income of $175/week, and I may not get my first paycheck until November, according to some testimonials of previous TAs.

We'll have to see what else comes up.

Last Friday I went to an awards ceremony for the foreign languages department. It was pretty cool to get an award and $50 Barnes and Noble gift certificate. I'm going to buy some movies and books with the money, because my movie collection is pathetic and it's about time I owned my own Star Wars trilogy.

That's about all I'll be getting as far as spending money goes, within the next month... At least, until my tax return comes. Hopefully Dad sent that in already. I know he's been busy and stressed, I hope it wasn't too much extra for him to fill that out for me. I wouldn't have minded doing it myself, it's just that he offered to, and he has been doing it for me for quite a while now.

It looks like I'll be going home for Easter this Thursday, which will be nice- I'm going to try and get a lot done while there. Sunday will be spent with my G-ma in Livonia and probably the rest of my family (sans mom). I'll have to see what her plans are for Easter and if she wants to have the kids over for a dinner Saturday night.

It's getting to that point where the workload of the semester is crashing down on me, but I can't stop now. I only have two more weeks of actual class, and then finals. All I need to do is get my work done, and I'll be almost home-free, given I study well enough for my finals.

I was thinking earlier (daydreaming, rather, with a play in my hand) about how I want to raise my family. The family in the play I'm reading (Urban Transitions by Ron Milner) seems so opposite to mine. The parents, a loving, teasing, African-American couple, has three children; two daughters and a son. They live in your average American present-day metropolitan city, with a comfortable apartment and enough money to get by in their upper-middle class home. I was touched by the way the older couple acted with each other, and I can only hope i'll live the same kind of life when I'm older to create a loving, relaxed atmosphere for my own children. The way I grew up was with stricter parents, a few more rules and a little less "family time" together. I think this is what my siblings missed in their childhood, especially Michael, who is dealing with the brunt of my parents' divorce. I want to be successful and comfortable to provide a safe haven for not only my own children but for my siblings as well, so they can have that strong sense of "family" that we didn't really seem to have growing up. I'm talking about the big holiday dinners with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, what have you, followed by games in the living room with a fire going and wine and hot chocolate going around, and jazz music always on the radio. I'm talking about family trips around the world together, vacations to places like Disneyland or Myrtle Beach, and bonding experiences that will make up for lost time. Whenever I go to my Aunt Tammy's house for Thanksgiving, I always feel a slight sense of envy for their family; they seem to be living this exact life. It's not a life of over-consumption, greed, selflessness and pride, it's more a life that involves family and togetherness and success and happiness. If I can provide this for my children, and the rest of my family, that would be my ultimate goal.

Good NEWS

Oh MY GOSH! I just got the e-mail that confirmed my acceptance to teach English in Bordeaux, France for this Fall!!!
TOTALLY not expecting that! At least, not this soon- I heard from everyone that I was going to be notified early May. But, this is even better!
This is the best news I've heard in a long time- this is going to give me something to look forward to and work hard towards. I need to find a summer job that will pay me lots of money and give me full-time hours, because I'll need to buy my own plane ticket and support myself in France until I get my first paycheck, which might not come until November, or so the papers said.
I also need to contact the 4 or so students from Western who are all currently teaching in France right now. I need to ask them about the program, and other logistics of getting over there.
I was planning on doing an internship in New Orleans this summer, but it only pays $175/week, which doesn't give me a whole lot to work with if I'm trying to save up for a few months on my own...
I have to set up living accomodations and get my visa and all that jazz, but I need to wait until I get the letter in the mail that tells me which school(s) i'll be placed in, who to contact, and how long my contract will last.
There was another blog that someone used to post about their experience teaching abroad. Maybe i'll go check that out....

3/15/09- dreams

I continue to have dreams that involve my realizing that I have completely forgotten about certain classes that I've registered to take. Specifically, a science class. In my dream last night, I looked at my "progress report" and was shocked to find that I had a class with an 'E' grade in it. That was because I only went to one class- the first one. I'm wondering if i'm having these dreams as a sort of anxiety over how many credits i'm currently taking?
The other part of my dream that hasn't really happened that often before was being followed by older, creepy men as i'm walking home from doing grocery shopping. They'll have bags, too, but only as a guise so I won't notice them. When I finally caught one of them distinctly following my path, I yelled out profanities and called him a creep so that he'd leave- and he did. He dropped his grocery bag prop and headed in the other direction. Then, I ran (more like a fly-run, because I was sort of hovering and covering a lot of distance as I ran) away, looking for the bus to come pick me up.